Showing posts with label notre dame the best mediocre team in the land. Show all posts
Showing posts with label notre dame the best mediocre team in the land. Show all posts
Clausen: "I'm Ready To Get Started Letting People Down Right Now"
NEW YORK, NEW YORK, NEW YORK - Former Notre Dame quarterback and projected-first-round draft selection Jimmy Clausen told reporters Thursday that, no matter who drafts him, he's ready to start letting down that team's fan base immediately.
"I don't have any illusions," said Clausen, prepping for tonight's primetime NFL Draft, "But I'm ready to go out there and throw ducks, get sacked, fall down unmolested and do everything in my power to shatter the hopes and dreams of every fan of whichever team is lucky enough to grab me."
Clausen, who scouts say has a near-perfect throwing motion and all of the physical tools of a franchise QB, said he's eager to get to work diminishing every accolade he and his name ever earned.
"My brothers have been just great in teaching me how to raise everyone to the same level of outlandish anticipation, and then pull the collective rug out from under their hooves with my pedestrian play," said the youngest Clausen. "Hell, if I need to, I'll throw in some off the field issues, too.
"I'll put myself in that position and be that caliber of player for my team."
Clausen then excused himself to clumsily fumble down the nearest flight of stairs and writhe in pain before giving a thumbs up.
Irish Faithful Coast-to-Coast Split On Future Coach Decision
The undisputed champion of storied programs in the history of college football is the Fighting Irish of Notre Dame. However, the luster of the franchise has diminished greatly in the past fifteen or so years - years mired in mediocrity and unfulfilled expectations.In light of the recent firing of head coach Charlie Weis, fans of Notre Dame football, being one of a handful of vaunted programs with a national fanbase, all over the U.S. are struggling to come up with a consensus on who should be the next head coach of the winningest program in the history of college football.
The Ghost of Roy Hobbs has collected samples of testimonies from this diverse fan base:
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Dom Manetti, Bratwurst Vendor, Chicago, IL: I think dey should get should get somebuhday with values we gots here in the Midwest. Yous bozos may or may not be aware of a certain coach whose dedication to da storied Midwestern values a beerah, brahts, and morbid obesity took an oistwhile (sic: erstwhile) Kansas Jayhawak team to da Orahnge Bowl and onward to vicory. Weis was good, but dat batched heart surgery took a lot out of him, made him lose about farty pounds a so. But Mangino da Hero? He's da typeaguy who can push through bout fitty pounds a prime braht on a game day. And with are recruits? Day gonna call day Orahnge Bowl da Braht Bowl come 2012.
Delmer Q. Lawnmower, Ditch Attendent, Latham, MS: WOOO! WE GOT US A NASHUNAL CHAMPIONSHIP IN HOTLANTA! S-E-C! S-E-C! YOU KNOW IT, BOY YOU KNOW! Nevermind my Rebels and my Irish didn't make it to the SEC Championship, we got that fish-eatin' sumbitch URBAN MEYER cummin to Notre Dame next year! He done already said was his dream job! His favorite Jesus boy Timmy Tebow, God love him, is gon be smashin' faces in the NFL next year, an if he's the upstandin, Chrissean he don spossa be, he gon convince URBAN MEYER to be our coach next year! Gaw-lee, with our recruits we gon win a bunch a dem SEC championships in a row! S-E-C! S-E-C! S-E-C! SUCK MY BUTT OHIO STATE!
Anders Higgenbotham, CFO, Boston, MA: I believe the only coaching official worthy of coaching the much-ballyhooed and adept Fighting Irishmen of Notre Dame Our Mother is someone who has already proven his ability and worth to uphold the lofty standards therein. It should be Louis Holtz, for sure. He has already won national titles with the Irish and, from his deft and cogent and audible analysis on my ESPNHD, seems to still be sharp as a tack. He will bring with him a mass of faithful recruits, coupled with the already staunchly loaded classes the fine University already summons at will, our beloved alma mater will be simply tyrannical in their onslaught of the rest of the collegiate football dullards. Notre Dame deserves no less than the best.
Manetti: I have jus been informed by one Mangino da hero dat he, if he accepts da position, saints willing, would love to sponser Manetti's Brahts pending his taste approval! I have sent him a pallet of our best hahlliday brahts for his consumption, and am confident of his approval. You are welcome, Irish faithful.
Jack Swarbrick, Jr., student, South Bend, IN: My daddy is coaching Nottre Dame. He would be a good coach for Notter Dame. He thinks Notter Dame is good so i think Notter dame is good. The old coach has to be Delmer: You no whut? I'm not so sure we oughta be puttin all our eggs into this URBAN MEYER basket. Why on earth would he leave un S-E-C-S-E-C-S-E-C team like them Florida Gators? I think we oughta get us somebody who ain't doin' nothing. That Tommy Tuberville might be pretty awesome! Went undefeated! Won him some SEC Championships! I bet he can get em there again.
Anthony "Tony" Lattendresse, Movie Critic, Dayton, OH: I've known about Notre Dame for most of my life, but have loved them since 1993. It's the ultimate place where dreams can come true. I mean, even if you're undersized, somewhat dim-witted, and don't have the backing/respect of your friends and family, you can still get lifted onto the shoulders of your teammates, but not since 1975. All you need is one friend, a black guy to let you sleep in the Notre Dame locker room, and a friend to die in a violent and firey explosion to motivate you. Notre Dame is awesome for all of those things. They should get Rudy to do it. Rudy would be good. Not Rudy Guliani, but the other Rudy.
Higgenbotham: I was just told that, medically speaking anyway, Lou Holtz is braindead, almost completely paralyzed from the waist down, and suffers from a lisp and tourette's syndrome. Assuredly, the vaunted coach Ara Parsegian could be convinced of the necessity of a triumphant homecoming? Surely he must see the err of his ways, leaving his beloved University in the hands of a capable, yet un-Parsegian Dan Devine. Greatness awaits in the hallows of antiquity, eh chums?
Ron Jaworski and Mike Turico, Football Analysts, Bristol, CT: Jon Gruden. Get Jon Gruden to South Bend right now. Seriously, he needs to be there because...he's a good coach. And he DOES not have rabid body odor. If you can get past the hair cut, the lack of originality, and the way he sits on stools with his knees as far apart as is geometrically possible, with his junk just hanging out there, he'll be one of the best coaches Holy Cross, I mean, Notre Dame ever had. Seriously, get this guy out of here. Get him to wherever you're proposing he go. I'm sure he'll do great, whatever. Just go.
Lattendresse: You know, the movie Rudy was the debut of actor Vince Vaughn? He'd be pretty good. He's already a big fan, and I'm sure would do well. He's a smooth talker who's quick on his feet. Maybe he and Jon Favreau, who played Rudy's friend, D-Bob, could collaborate, with Favreau directing the game plan and Vaughn executing it to perfection. Those three guys, real Rudy, Vaughn, and Favreau, would be awesome. But not Sean Astin. He's all yuppy since Lord of the Rings.
Manetti: Mangino just had a heart attack when I was on da horn widhim and guess what. He ain't dead. He's still kickin' and told me about an awesome play he thought up while his eyes were closed in pain. It's a double-end around with a third-guy in a wildcat who just cuts up the middle like a wreckin' ball. BRILLIANT? BRILLIANT. Who wants some more brahts?
Delmer: If we're goin' for big ole boys who ain't doin nothin, why not Phil Fulmer? Wouldn't even have to get him new clothes, just wash the gravy stains off Weis' sweatshirts and boom! SEC Champion Notre Dame Fightin' Irish! That's got a rang to it.
Higgenbotham: Despite my numerous fiduciary advances to coach Parsegian, he is unwilling to acquiece to my request. Therefore I am proposing to ask the vaunted Notre Dame biology department to unearth the chared and mangled remains of Knute Rockne and recessitate him, post haste! There isn't much time, he was after all in a plane crash in the early 20th century, but he's Notre Dame's last hope. I would love to see the look on that playboy Peter Carroll's face at the sight of that!
Swarbrick, Jr.: i like jesus and he shud be coach if my daddy can't. Jesus, can you get me some wii games.
Delmer: S-E-C-S-E-C-S-E-C!
Manetti: BRAHTS!
Higgenbotham: TRADITION!
Jaworski and Turico: We're each seriously going to shoot ourselves in the face if you guys don't hire Jon Gruden.
Holy chit that was awesome
Usually we reserve this spot for NFL talk but did you happen to see what went down yesterday? Oh that happened.
This is why CFB is so great. I heard so many say "boo hoo, there aren't any major games. We have to watch an undefeated team from a different conference in the night game." As most of you know I never take this stance because it's football on TV and as a result I must find ways to make games compelling because I need excuses for not doing anything on Saturday. As a result, the gods shined down upon us and graced us with sweet sweet victories and defeats.
I know I argued for the big 10 (11) earlier this year, but I think they took it way too far. It's not like I'm best friends with them, just sticking up for the kid that was getting bullied in the hallway. Which is why I was freaked out that Iowa somehow kept on winning games by the seat of their pants. It reminded me of the 02 tOSU squad. Iowa going undefeated and getting into the MNC if one of three teams screw up? That's a world I do not want to live in. Northwestern, everyone's favorite Big 10 (11) team came through once again by screwing a top ranked conference foe. A nation is in your debt once again Wildcats.
Michigan lost, which is always fun.
Now, the only BAD thing that comes about from this is tOSU controls their own destiny to win the conference and play in what could go down as the worst Rose Bowl ever.
Ok so after the early Big 10 (11) lineups come the 3:30 games. On the surface there were some good games to watch but I think we can all agree that we were treated to some tasty treats.
Let's talk Alabama-LSU first. Good game, between traditional SEC powers with MNC implications. Of course Alabama came out of it victorious and clenched the SEC west crown. That's about it right? WRONG. No on top of this great match up we were treated to FANSANITY. And not just any fansanity, SEC fansanity which is the best of all.
Now if you watched the game, I'm sure you realized this was a terrible call. But bad calls happen all the time and LSU still had to drive down the field for a TD. I figured LSU fans would be pissed about the call, and boy was a right. A quick survey of message boards reveal several things. First, LSU and other SEC fans seem to think there is a massive conspiracy to keep Alabama and Tim Tebow undefeated. 2. Alabama fans are to be reckoned with, they seem to have coordinated a pre-emptive message board strike arguing that the call had no bearing on the outcome of the game. 3. SEC fans like to argue over who is more racist.
Now the other thing occurring during this battle over moral supremacy is that zany Pac-10 and their regional fox sports channels. If you paid any attention to the bottom scrolling thing, you probably noticed that Stanford was leading Oregon for the majority of the day. And now I would like to take this opportunity to say Stanford I love you. You adorable little nerds, every year you do something that makes me smile. Whether it's your loony tree or beating over rated/hyped/stupid Pac-10 opponents. Keep this up and you'll take over Wazzu and Pete Carrol as west coast entities I don't root against. On another note, why the hell does Oregon...OREGON get fellated by the media every year. The Phil Knight theory is the only plausible explanation that comes to mind. But seriously, beginning of the year the fighting highlighters were shamed on the blue turf and in a matter of months they are MNC contenders? Some assholes even had the audacity to rank them ahead of Boise. Ever since I was a small child I could not stand the University of Oregon. I don't know why, it may have something to do with Dan Fouts, but every year the fighting highlighters get more and more annoying what with their Zoo, their uniforms, their belief that they are somehow a top 10 team. Good riddance.
In other news, the ACC played football this weekend.
But on the real, Clemson will get their BCS hopes up only to watch them die in miserable flames by the all powerful hands of the football gods. Paul Johnson on the other hand has his team lined up for a BCS matchup in his second year at GT. Good for him, and good for the flexbone.
Before we get to our final sweet victory/defeat I want to talk about the outsiders. I'm of course talking about Boise, Cincy, and TCU. The whole situation sucks. In fact Boise is so worried that they'll be left out of the party that they are hiring a PR firm. And you know, they shouldn't have to do that It would be fun to see them play them play the big boys, but on that same note it's also not fair to some other teams who played in difficult conferences to take a step back in favor of teams with a record. So like I said, the situation sucks, and it seems that all three will get into a BCS bowl, just not the big one in Pasadena. Which I think seems fair.
Now for the schadenfreude you've all been waiting for. Notre Dame.
People ask me about Notre Dame, and to be honest I like Notre Dame, I want them to do well. Sure it's only to see them fail in the end, but CFB is a lot more fun when ND is in the picture. Currently ND just isn't that good, they never really were. A good point is yesterday when a Navy team simply beat them in all aspects of the game, especially in the coaching department, so lets give credit where credit is due.
Now ND has a rough go of it with the academic standards and the schedule they typically play so on some level I kinda feel sorry for them. However, I still think it's fair to make fun of them. What with Charlie's decided schematic advantage, Jimmy Clausen signing his letter of intent at the CFB hall of fame, rolling up in a stretch limo. Canning Tryone without even letting him see his seniors go 4 years, telling Bob Davies he couldn't run the flexbone, backing into BCS bowls, etc etc etc. So yes, it is perfectly fine to make fun of ND every time they fail to meet expectations.
Fantasy news, Stovall is doing well in both leagues but he did not draft in one of them. I think that speaks to the level of competition we're all up against.
Additional football thoughts in the comments.
This is why CFB is so great. I heard so many say "boo hoo, there aren't any major games. We have to watch an undefeated team from a different conference in the night game." As most of you know I never take this stance because it's football on TV and as a result I must find ways to make games compelling because I need excuses for not doing anything on Saturday. As a result, the gods shined down upon us and graced us with sweet sweet victories and defeats.
I know I argued for the big 10 (11) earlier this year, but I think they took it way too far. It's not like I'm best friends with them, just sticking up for the kid that was getting bullied in the hallway. Which is why I was freaked out that Iowa somehow kept on winning games by the seat of their pants. It reminded me of the 02 tOSU squad. Iowa going undefeated and getting into the MNC if one of three teams screw up? That's a world I do not want to live in. Northwestern, everyone's favorite Big 10 (11) team came through once again by screwing a top ranked conference foe. A nation is in your debt once again Wildcats.
Michigan lost, which is always fun.
Now, the only BAD thing that comes about from this is tOSU controls their own destiny to win the conference and play in what could go down as the worst Rose Bowl ever.
Ok so after the early Big 10 (11) lineups come the 3:30 games. On the surface there were some good games to watch but I think we can all agree that we were treated to some tasty treats.
Let's talk Alabama-LSU first. Good game, between traditional SEC powers with MNC implications. Of course Alabama came out of it victorious and clenched the SEC west crown. That's about it right? WRONG. No on top of this great match up we were treated to FANSANITY. And not just any fansanity, SEC fansanity which is the best of all.
Now if you watched the game, I'm sure you realized this was a terrible call. But bad calls happen all the time and LSU still had to drive down the field for a TD. I figured LSU fans would be pissed about the call, and boy was a right. A quick survey of message boards reveal several things. First, LSU and other SEC fans seem to think there is a massive conspiracy to keep Alabama and Tim Tebow undefeated. 2. Alabama fans are to be reckoned with, they seem to have coordinated a pre-emptive message board strike arguing that the call had no bearing on the outcome of the game. 3. SEC fans like to argue over who is more racist.
Now the other thing occurring during this battle over moral supremacy is that zany Pac-10 and their regional fox sports channels. If you paid any attention to the bottom scrolling thing, you probably noticed that Stanford was leading Oregon for the majority of the day. And now I would like to take this opportunity to say Stanford I love you. You adorable little nerds, every year you do something that makes me smile. Whether it's your loony tree or beating over rated/hyped/stupid Pac-10 opponents. Keep this up and you'll take over Wazzu and Pete Carrol as west coast entities I don't root against. On another note, why the hell does Oregon...OREGON get fellated by the media every year. The Phil Knight theory is the only plausible explanation that comes to mind. But seriously, beginning of the year the fighting highlighters were shamed on the blue turf and in a matter of months they are MNC contenders? Some assholes even had the audacity to rank them ahead of Boise. Ever since I was a small child I could not stand the University of Oregon. I don't know why, it may have something to do with Dan Fouts, but every year the fighting highlighters get more and more annoying what with their Zoo, their uniforms, their belief that they are somehow a top 10 team. Good riddance.
In other news, the ACC played football this weekend.
But on the real, Clemson will get their BCS hopes up only to watch them die in miserable flames by the all powerful hands of the football gods. Paul Johnson on the other hand has his team lined up for a BCS matchup in his second year at GT. Good for him, and good for the flexbone.
Before we get to our final sweet victory/defeat I want to talk about the outsiders. I'm of course talking about Boise, Cincy, and TCU. The whole situation sucks. In fact Boise is so worried that they'll be left out of the party that they are hiring a PR firm. And you know, they shouldn't have to do that It would be fun to see them play them play the big boys, but on that same note it's also not fair to some other teams who played in difficult conferences to take a step back in favor of teams with a record. So like I said, the situation sucks, and it seems that all three will get into a BCS bowl, just not the big one in Pasadena. Which I think seems fair.
Now for the schadenfreude you've all been waiting for. Notre Dame.
People ask me about Notre Dame, and to be honest I like Notre Dame, I want them to do well. Sure it's only to see them fail in the end, but CFB is a lot more fun when ND is in the picture. Currently ND just isn't that good, they never really were. A good point is yesterday when a Navy team simply beat them in all aspects of the game, especially in the coaching department, so lets give credit where credit is due.
Now ND has a rough go of it with the academic standards and the schedule they typically play so on some level I kinda feel sorry for them. However, I still think it's fair to make fun of them. What with Charlie's decided schematic advantage, Jimmy Clausen signing his letter of intent at the CFB hall of fame, rolling up in a stretch limo. Canning Tryone without even letting him see his seniors go 4 years, telling Bob Davies he couldn't run the flexbone, backing into BCS bowls, etc etc etc. So yes, it is perfectly fine to make fun of ND every time they fail to meet expectations.
Fantasy news, Stovall is doing well in both leagues but he did not draft in one of them. I think that speaks to the level of competition we're all up against.
Additional football thoughts in the comments.
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