SALUTATIONS, CAPITALIST DRONES. I, JONG TAE-SE HAVE BEEN DECIDED BY THE GLORIOUS LEADER KIM JONG-IL TO ADDRESS YOU.
HOW ARE YOUR PITHY LIVES OUTSIDE OF PARADISE? SATISFACTORY, I HOPE, BUT I KNOW THAT YOUR LIVES ARE MEANINGLESS WITHOUT THE SUNSHINE AND HAPPINESS BESTOWED BY KIM JONG-IL, DEFENDER OF THE PEOPLE. SURE, YOU MAY ATTEMPT TO FILL THAT VOID WITH "FREE WILL," "RELIGION," AND "LARGE BREASTED WOMEN," BUT WE ALL KNOW THESE ATTEMPTS ARE FUTILE AND YOU ALL WILL FAIL!
CRUMBLE BEFORE MY MIGHT!
GLORIOUS LEADER HAS ALLOWED ME TO TAKE MY FOOTBALLING CAREER TO THE SECOND GREATEST LEAGUE IN THE WORLD, JAPAN'S J-LEAGUE. AS I AM THE GREATEST PLAYER IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD (OUTSIDE OF KIM JONG-IL, WHO INVENTED THE GAME), THE FOOLISH IMPERIAL SERVANTS OF THAT DOWNTRODDEN COUNTRY PAY ME HANDSOMELY. I DESPISE THE VERY SIGHT OF MONEY, SO I SPEND IT ALL ON NINTENDOS, IPODS, NIKES, AND CARS. YOU EVEN FAIL AT INFECTING ME WITH WEALTH, ASSHOLE GOD-FEARING JAPANESE! YOU CAN'T DO ANYTHING RIGHT AND YOUR LEAGUE WOULD BE USELESS WERE IT NOT FOR KIM JONG-IL'S CHARITY OF GRACING YOU WITH MY PRESENCE!
COMMENCE LAUGHTER!
WE ARE THE BEST PREPARED TEAM IN THE HISTORY OF ANY WORLD CUP. WE KEEP OURSELVES ISOLATED FROM LAZY FAT CAPITALISTS. YOUR TEETH, SHOES, POTABLE WATER AND ADEQUATE FOOD SUPPLY DIMINISH YOUR WORK ETHIC! WE PRACTICE THROUGH THE NIGHT BEHIND OUR BARBED WIRE. IT IS TO KEEP YOU OUT, NOT US IN! WE ARE FREE AND HAPPY BECAUSE OF OUR GLORIOUS LEADER!
IF YOU HOLD ENOUGH FAVOR WITH THE GLORIOUS LEADER AND DEFENDER OF THE PEOPLE TO HAVE AN INTERNET CONNECTION, USE THIS AS AN OPEN THREAD FOR TODAY'S GAMES!
JOIN ME OR DIE! CAN YOU DO ANY LESS?!?!
