GASOLINE ON YOUR FLAME OF NIGHT TERRORS

"HAHAHAHAHHAHAHA WEEP MORTALS! FEEL THE FIRES OF A THOUSAND NIGHTS OF HORROR-WROUGHT SLEEP AS YOU FEAST YOUR EYES ON THE WRECKAGE AND MAYHEM BEFORE YOU. BAAAHAHAHAHAHA!THAT ARM SHOULDN'T DO THAT!LET IT WRENCH YOUR DIGESTIVE SYSTEM!

NOT ENOUGH?!



OH AND DONE BY THE TUMBLING ANGST OF ONE GREATER THAN HE! OH THIS FIRES MY JIBBLETS! I PRAY THAT THE NEVER-ENDING FILM REEL ON THE PROJECTION SCREEN THAT IS THE INSIDE OF YOUR EYELIDS NEVER CEASES TO PLAY THESE 53 SECONDS OVER AND OVER! BWAHAHAHAH!

STILL UNIMPRESSED?!



FACE TRANSPLANT! HIS LIFE IS SIGNIFICANTLY BETTER WHILE YOURS IS EVER-SO-SLIGHTLY DIMINISHED BY BEING ABLE TO SEE HIS WRETCHED AND DISFIGURED VISAGE! DO NOT CURSE YOUR EYES, FOR THEY CANNOT SAVE YOU NOW! YOU ARE SEEING THIS IN YOUR MIND'S EYE, FOR WHOM BLINDNESS CANNOT TRIUMPH!



AHHHH THE TIMELESS CLASSICS! NOW YOU MUST WATCH HIM GIVE MEDIOCRE ANALYSIS, WHICH IS THE TRUE VICTORY FOR ME AS IT WILL ALSO GIVE YOU HELLISH NIGHT TERRORS BOUND TO MAKE THE MOST STRONG OF MEN INVOLUNTARILY URINATE AND WEEP SILENTLY FOR RELIEF THAT WILL NEVER COME!



KNOW THAT THIS HAPPENS TO ALL WHO PLAY SOCCER!!! AND IT IS THE MOST POPULAR SPORT IN THE WORLD! LET THAT ECHO IN YOUR SKULL WHILE YOU ATTEMPT TO REST PEACEFULLY! SLUMBER IN TURMOIL!!! BAHAHAHAHAHHAHA....



You win, Christian the Lion. You always do."

Signed,

The Devil

Friday Afternoon Fun Bag!

WOOOO Ballin with Chris Brown! I'd like to see Chris Brown get in somebody's face at the Cage (where he is in the photo, West 4th NYC). Basically because I'd like to see him try to fight something that is neither a woman nor a glass window.

That's neither here nor there. WOO! FRIDAY! Let's get bizzzay.

To get you ready for partying, here's Bill Cosby dancing to dubstep.


Here's a bunch of people falling on their bikes in England. Don't laugh, that shit looks hard.

BUCS 2011 X.C Carnage! from Joe Bowman on Vimeo.

Cut that shit out, Japan.


This is a wonderful, wonderful POV skiing video from Jackson Hole, WY. Quoth the guy who posted this on TGR, "Take that, mountain covered in snow."

Mid Wintahhhh 2011 from Andrew Whiteford on Vimeo.

JaVale McGee says no to your funk.


Crazy Euroleague ending, crazier announcing.


Trebek calls a college football game.


36 feet into one foot of water. THIS IS SPARTAAAAAAA.


Outstanding. Let's make this happen. Yeeeuh.

WHERE IS YOUR MESSIAH NOW, WHITE AMERICA?

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA


BASK IN IT! HAHAHAHA!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA





AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO NOW, HUH? MAKE YOUR KIDS PLAY SOCCER AND LACROSSE? HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!



HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA

Charlie Sheen Will Get You Amped

Ok, quick recap:

Image via Warming Glow
By now, Charlie Sheen an his antics have been crammed into your brain because a famous person going on tv and flipping their shit in a drug-addled haze is somehow different than the guy at the bus stop around the corner flipping his shit in a drug-addled haze. Then again, the guy on the street corner hates on clouds instead of bedding porn stars. So Charlie's got him there.

Icehouse would like to take this opportunity to state that Platoon, Wall Street, the Major League Series and the Hot Shots! series were all vital to his upbringing, and remain essential to any home video collection and discussion of fine cinema, regardless of how much bunghole his current show eats.

So while there have been many memes with his quotes, the GRH team gives you: Charlie Sheen, SPORTS.

Pete Carroll's was easy enough to get started with.


Phil Jackson.


And on with the show...




























That was fun. Good work, team.

Friday Afternoon Fun Bag!

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Another fun bag for yous guys. BACK OFF OR I'LL FIGHT YOU!



Get 'em, Mac.


So yeah. Icehouse has to go to a work conference this weekend. That means that this Saturday and Sunday is essentially ONE BIGASS WEDNESDAY for him. Fuck.

So let's kick this pig.

Here we have a friend of commenter Brian and myself, Trevyn Newpher (in the blue), kickin' ass in Whistler.


Utah Jazz Bear vs. Some Cavs Fan. WHO YA GOT?


This video is all over the Internet. So that means you get it here too.


Nate Robinson is better at makes burritos the same way he runs the point: Sloppily, with a lot of talk.


And to round out this week: Another person that Ochocinco knows that I only wish that I knew.

George Karl and J.R. Smith

George Karl: Hey, J.R.


J.R. Smith: What's good, coach.

Karl: I want you to watch something. Basically, Carmelo's already checked out and is just padding his stats so that more teams want him. I'm going to need you to do more.

Smith: More threes?

Karl: No, that's... that's definitely not it. Let's work on your passing

Smith: That's Chauncey's thing. I don't wanna.

Karl: I know, I know, but it doesn't have to be something you hate. Check out what Andre Iguodala did the other night.

Smith: Hold up, gotta put my glasses on.


Karl: ...yeah OK whatever. Just watch.



Karl: See? You can pass and still do something--

Smith: WOOOO I'ma try that tonight!



Smith: How you like that one, coach?! Just like you told me, right?!





Carmelo Anthony: Whatchu think, Chauncey?

Chauncey Billups: I think I'm coming with you when you bounce.















Icehouse: Sorry Darnell.

That's right, I said it.

The other day, I said that I was glad Jeff Lurie gave Michael Vick a second chance. That's right, I said it. I don't give a fuck.

I've got an idea. Instead of griping about me saying something, you should go to church. I heard they celebrate some dude's birthday this week, and that dude got famous because he preached about forgiveness. That dude also hung out with criminals, tax collectors, lepers. Oh what, you're surprised that a "Muslim" knows the story of Jesus? You mad? Yeah you are. You look like you're about to cry like a little bitch. Fuck you.

We have a prison system, because we try and reform criminals and give them multiple chances at leading productive lives. Why else would we let people out of jail? Under the thinking that we shouldn't forgive Mike Vick, then we should just execute everyone. You know where they execute people for petty bullshit? Iran and North Korea. You're a fucking fascist terrorist if you think we shouldn't forgive Mike Vick. Why don't you just strap a bomb to yourself and walk out into the middle of nowhere? Yes, because you're a failure as a human being and you should kill yourself.

Michael Vick is really good at football. He used to have a hobby that is unacceptable in a decent society. He was punished for things that he did. He paid his debt to society, and has been released - along with thousands of others - as a reformed ex-convict. He can't vote. He can't coach youth sports. What he can do is fuck up your favorite team every week because you're a cocksucking Giants fan. Asshole.

Michael Vick is a hero. Everybody loves a good redemption story. How many times did you see "The Fighter" this week? Hm? Yeah, Mark Wahlberg sucks and you're a racist. A man was misguided. He did some bad things. He hung out with friends who did bad things. Authorities set him straight, now he's doing what he loves for the right reasons, and making millions of people happy.

In conclusion, I'm glad OJ got acquitted, Kobe should be able to rape one white girl for every championship he's won, Tiger Woods has a bigger dick than you, and I fucked your mom. Wu Tang, bitches.

Some people just can't let go.

Scene opens. Icehouse is flexing in front of the mirror in his underwear, tumbler full of scotch in hand.

[Click play for soundtrack]


[Phone rings]
Icehouse: What the fuck is up?!

Lindsey Vonn:

Icehouse, I've been thinking about... us.

Icehouse: Oh yeah? Well, we had a good run, but it's better this way. I hear you're doing great, and that you're all healthy coming into the season, so.... you know... good luck and all that.

Lindsey Vonn: Icehouse, wait a second--

Icehouse: No time, baby, I gotta--

Lindsey Vonn: Icehouse, I'm pregnant.

Icehouse: You're WHAT?!

Lindsey Vonn: Well, I'm not, I just wanted you to pay attention to me. I do have something for you, though.

Icehouse: Okaaaaay. It's not going to be anything crazy, is it?

Lindsey Vonn: No, it's... sexy.

Icehouse: Hm. Continue.

Lindsey Vonn: Well, I know how much you love National Lampoon movies, as well as spoofs of police movies, so I--

Icehouse: Dressed up as Kathy Ireland spoofing Sharon Stone in Loaded Weapon 1?

Lindsey Vonn: Oh, um... well, yeah.

How did you guess that?

Icehouse: Instinct, baby. Instinct.

Lindsey Vonn: Well, do you want to come reenact the butt-in-the-moonlight scene?

Icehouse: I'd like to, but I got a prior commitment.

Lindsey Vonn: Well can we at least exchange dirty text messages? It's all the rage these days among athletes.

Icehouse: Ehhh, you can if you want, but remember, I drink a lot and have a blog.

Lindsey Vonn: Oh, how I wish things could work out between u--

Icehouse: Well, I wish I could stay and chat, but it happens to be underwear dance party night here at the Icehousehold. Take it sleazy.

[Hangs up]

Ready baby?



Icehouse: Righteous.

Friday Afternoon Fun Bag!

WOOOOOO! Weekend!!! It's starting to feel a little like fall. The air is brisk, the World Series is on, all is well. This Fun Bag's going to be a little more of a pic dump than usual. What what the hey. It's old school, right?

LeBron hangs with Charlize Theron. You think Charlize would go to Cleveland? You are a-wrong. Charlize is also apparently 7'3".


DeAngelo Hall and Brian Orakpo.


Glen Davis and Mike the Tiger.


JR Smith and 30 jersey-chasers in a limo. As if you couldn't love JR Smith more.


VIDEO BREAK. People are awesome.

See more funny videos and TBT Videos at Today's Big Thing.

Greg Davis' playbook.


DeMarcus Cousins for Rookie of the Year.


When I saw this picture, I assumed that Aaron Brooks was trying to teach Shane Battier how to dougie, and Ron Artest swooped in to fuck everything up.


They are IN THE TORNADO.


Offensive, yes. But it is pretty cool that we live in a country where we can make videos like this.


Tyrus Thomas doing some DDR. You know you want to watch.


Well that was fun. EVERYBODY GET INTO THE HOT TUB.

Pro Wrasslin' Day

Yesterday, several of the GRH braintrust engaged in the time-honored tradition of youtubing old professional wrestling clips. It was one of the best days I've had in a while. Now, presented with minimal commentary, some of our favorites.

First up, the Ultimate Warrior freaks out. Cocaine and steroids are pretty much what makes sports entertainment great.


Now we have Ric Flair. I yell stuff like this to myself every morning. Because I'm the champ.


Everybody remembers where they were this night. I would like to draw attention to the Diesel and Razor Ramon's signature hand to the ear move, the guy trying to get into the ring, and the sheer amount of garbage that ends up filling the ring.


Scott Steiner and Buff Bagwell were less wrestlers, and more just two dudes who got paid to work out and act like meat sticks. I loved them.


Sports entertainment will most likely never - AND THE ROCK MEANS NEVER - have a personality that can involve the fans like The Rock.


Again... cocaine and steroids.


This was epic.


Finally, I present this complete and utter insanity.


Have fun, everybody. I know I did.

Friday Afternoon Fun Bag!

Hank and the guys are ready for the weekend.

YES. Last night's game was low-scoring, but I'm just still amped that we now get a full serving of football. YES!

Let's see if I can find a visual representation of how awesome I feel. Well, what do you know, I can!


And now my favorite part of Hard Knocks.
Oh man look at his face at the end. He's totally going to make some cheetos pay.

And so on that note... Awesome parts from football movies.

Al Pacino in Any Given Sunday has my favorite speech.


Remember the Titans had a bunch of sweet-ass parts. You know I gots some soul power.


Good god damn does this cornball movie get me.


In honor of Lattimer. A place at the table.


Finally, tacklin' fuel.


That was awesome. Ok y'all. Let's go eat a goddamn snack.

It's. To. DAY.

You're motherfucking welcome.

I love you, NFL. I love you so much. And you've come back to me.

Now is the happiest moment of the year. So many dreams and aspirations. I'm going to turn the TV on this evening and gaze wonderingly like a child staring at the stars and dreaming of being an astronaut.

I know that college football started last weekend. That was all good and fun and whatnot. But this. THIS is the big stage. This is where the wild things are. Here there be monsters. THIS IS EASY COMPANY.

So. To start off the season right, I'm breaking out the first edition of the GRH power rankings for things that make football season better (other than football).

10. Car wrecks - Just when you thought all you had to worry about were 11 big dudes trying to hurt your best player, BAM!

9. 31 other entities to hate instead of your life.

8. Seeing players you loved as collegians succeed at a higher level.

7. Mesquite wood - Smells good when it burns. Tastes good when it saturates your meat.

6. Tito's Vodka - Classy, and goes down smooth at any time of the day.

5. The look on Raiders fans' faces when they realize that yes, they will suck again this year (applicable to week 1 only).

4. Natural Disasters - Hurricanes, Forest Fires and Tornadoes have all happened in the last week near NFL stadiums. Keep up the good work, God!

3. An excuse to skip church for drinking purposes.

2. Cheerleaders.

1. The hits - Oh how these hits are so much more fucking intense than college. GET ON THAT CYCLE INSTEAD OF GOING TO PSYCH 202, PUSSIES.

That's how things are this week. Let's see how it shakes out. Everyone have fun tonight. Looks like I picked the wrong week to stop sniffing glue.